Fear or Frustration. Worries for Public Education.

For quite some time I've had concerns about school...concerns and fears.  I decided recently that I should make an attempt at writing it down to see if I might be able to organize my thoughts better.  At the moment it's all just a bundle of frustrations and half-understood fears hiding in the nooks and cranies of my mind.  I need to get them all sorted out and see if I can determine if they point me in any sort of direction.

Don't take that to mean I don't support the public education system or that I don't want to become an educated person.  I love to study and that's exactly part of the frustration.  There seems to be something about my personality that makes it so that school drains all the motivation, determination, and curiosity out of me.  Part of what I would like to find out is if that is a real ... "incompatability" with the way the system is set up, or if it's just the normal frustration and struggle of getting an education.  I understand that school is not easy and I know that most people don't enjoy it.

Perhaps when I get it written I will post it here so that others might have some understanding of what it is I'm talking about.  Until that point I will continue to push ahead.  Turning back is not an option.

A matter of growing in stature

I struggle keeping a journal. I feel like the important things are things I learn not the things that happen to me. I may very well be wrong, but there it is.
Often I wish I were a better person, but I have learned that self loathing is no way to begin. Some time ago the thought occurred to me that we are born as babes, not men. Interesting that we should expect of ourselves the same stature as the men and women we look up to. Perhaps in our impatience we expect ourselves to measure up to them now rather than later after we have had an opportunity to grow.
As far as growing is concerned, I have learned there are things that are beyond us. Progress comes much easier if you look, first, to the things you can accomplish. Perhaps after you have accomplished a few simple things you will find you have the power to win the ultimate prize. After all, stumbling blocks are not so different from stepping stones.
In your endeavors, good luck. I look out at the world and see much despair and hatred. I hope that in the days ahead we may also find many friends as well. Till then.

New Apartment

This week I moved into a new apartment. It is and has always been very motivating for me. I think it has something to do with the feeling that I can start with a "clean slate." However, through moving, I have decided, again, that I have far too many things. What happened to simplifying my life? Anyway, during the next few months I'm going to go through my things and decide what needs to go.

Another day, another dollar...or not.

I just got back from work and it's 5:00 in the morning. Kind of depressing, but I've only got a week left. I had a test in Biology yesterday that went exceptionally well. I handed in an English paper that I feel good about and got one back that also went well. I missed a Chemistry assignment...I'm not so good at this online assignment submission "thing." Oh well. From now on I'm going to sign into blackboard every day regardless of whether or not I have an assignment due. I think it will help.
I have a business meeting tonight which means that today I have zero hours of free time. This is where I hold my breath and wait for tomorrow.
I've toyed with the idea of "Rest while you're running." It's a Psychological exercise where I seek calm in my mind in spite of the chaos that's engulfing me. A very interesting line of thought, but I haven't gotten very far with it yet. Give me some time.

Thank goodness it's Friday...except I'm working this weekend.

I rode my bike today. I'm struggling, finding an appealing alternative to running. It's been two years, or more, you'd think I would have come up with something before now.
For those of you who don't know what happened two years ago to make it so I couldn't run...I was climbing and landed kind of hard on my left ankle. I damaged the cartilage of my subtalar joint. That pretty much ended my hopes of running a marathon once in my life.
I've also considered getting back into swimming as an alternative to running. Either way, I've got to be more active than I am. It's getting on my nerves...
Work is going well. This may be the longest week I've had in the last few months, but I'm still kicking and it hasn't been as bad as some weeks I remember from the last time I worked the graveyard shift.
School is also going well. For once in my life I'm caught up with my homework and I'm preparing, beforehand, for my test in two weeks. It seems I've finally caught the vision.

Optimism

I hate working the graveyard shift. The whole idea of going to bed just as the sun is coming up makes me depressed.
On the other hand, I love my job. And, the way things are set up at the moment I am encouraged to study. Not to mention the fact that we're only doing graveyard for another three or four weeks. I can make it.
School is good, but I've got to learn how to study. You might be surprised that I've gotten to this point without learning, but that's how it happened. The story is a little long, so if you want to know you'll have to ask me.
I'm excited for Spring and that's a good sign. All my life, to date, I've been more excited about winter coming on than summer. Now maybe I'll be a "year-round" kind of person.

Restless determination

I've found myself in a time of life where I'm anxious to get on with it. I'm in the process of getting out of debt and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm doing well in school and finally becoming excited about the idea of studying but with no end in sight. I'm trying to be an active member of Uncharted with little time or energy to do so.

This morning I came home from work at the lab with a desire to do something, but I've done nothing for so long that I don't know how to go about it. I've been a recluse for so long that I don't have anyone to ask to join me in doing whatever it is that I end up thinking I might want to do.

Quite a dilemma, I know. I am determined, however. It's the one thing I've always had going for me. I see people that give the impression of "living" and I am determined to join them. Hence, the blog.

I don't know what it is I'll end up doing, but I'm going to do it and maybe tomorrow I'll have something more than wishful thinking.